Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian

[voxpopuli]

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.999% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

[gridbug]

11) You think 0.01% + 99.999% = 100%

just had to...after all typos get picked on too

[Copperhead]

Here are the next 2 signs of a fundamentalist Christian:

11. Your find divorce and remarriage (for any reason) to be unpardonable sins but sleeping with a prostitute is forgiveable if you cry on television about it.

12. Having a glass of wine or drinking a beer will send you to Hell but gluttony and obesity are acceptable.

[daworm]

13. You don't see why we need another holiday for Hannukah or Ramadan, but have no problem with Easter or Christmas.

14. You don't even know "holiday" is a contraction of "Holy Day".

[gridbug]

Yes, but they were pagan holy days...

[BlackFox]

15. Your most important issues when voting are a candidates views on Evolution and Abortion.

[TNBear]

16. You don't look a fellow member of your congregation in the eye when you run into him in the liquor store.

[RuneDeer]

tnbear said:

16. You don't look a fellow member of your congregation in the eye when you run into him in the liquor store.

Bear, you just brought back one of my most embarrassing memories! When my ex and I agreed to divorce 12 years ago or so, we also put the house up for sale. One of our favorite activities was having crowds of people over for parties (we had a pool), so on the last weekend before we moved, two parties were scheduled. "His" friends from work on Friday night, and the ladies from the church choral ensemble the following afternoon. Friday afternoon I'm in the grocery store stocking up for the Friday nite party and just as I hoisted two 12-packs of beer into the cart, I turned around and came face to face with the pastor's wife, who was also in the choir. She smirked the way only a pastor's wife can smirk, and pointedly pretended not to notice the beer. Fast-forward to Saturday afternoon. We're sitting around the pool and I'm offering everybody something to drink (along the lines of swee'tea and diet Coke), when you-know-who says "I could really go for a beer...do you have any?" Admidst all the giggles from all the other ladies who weren't in on the joke, I looked her right in the eye and said "No, of course not." She didn't say anything, but the look on her face was obvious: "What? You drank it ALL in 24 hours???"

P.S. I don't get embarrassed that way any more.

[Felix]

Quoth billvol:

Plagarized by Vox from www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm

Why stop there? When I Googled one of the list, I got this:

Results 1 - 10 of about 303 for "You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God." (emphasis added)

Some funny posts have so many parents it is picayune to pick only one...unless you are billvol, who now has a new entry, # 937, on his list of "Things I hate about Chattanooga-Vox used a joke without attribution."

The joys of righteous indignation, I suppose.