Longshot! [ Saint ]
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Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise
I'm the Broken One who Fixes It
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Post by Longshot! [ Saint ] on Mar 6, 2008 9:20:09 GMT -5
Does a Raisin Go Bad?
My time-management was comparable to a hooker teaching a Planned Parenthood class to a group of high school juniors—poorly executed and ill-conceived, and I paid for it with hunger pangs that felt like dull plastic knives trying to chase a squirrel that had been sown in my gut. I went to my File Cabinet/Bag of Holding, and produced a can of gel shaving cream and a pound of Sun maid Raisins I had gotten into the week before.
I opened them with no small amount of joy and pulled out handfuls, shoving them into my mouth with as much glee as you would expect from a man clothed in polyester at 5:15am trying to enjoy a mouthful of sugar-covered dried fruit goo. I brought them back to my desk and continued munching, my left hand getting coated in something between a slime and paste, while typing on a keyboard that would no doubt infuriate its next user in scant hours with the subtle filth I was coating it in.
I mistakenly laid my forehead on my forearm, and lost 20 minutes to the nether. When I awoke, I grabbed the container instead of the contents and finally looked in to find the Suspect Raisins rather white in hue, more than their characteristic ‘funky deep brown’.
I stared a moment, glanced at my stomach, then back at the raisins. I frowned.
Do they go bad? Does a rotten grape actually get ‘more’ rotten when it’s sold to be ‘rotten’ in the first place?
Is there a Level of Grape Funk that they must reach to be sold as ‘Raisins’? And if so, does the sliding scale stop—or go on forever?
It occurred to me that in my juvenile and adult life, I had never seen a rotten raisin. Discarded in pockets, gutters, urinals and car seats—they all looked the same. I was horrified.
Is there a shelf-life? A Raisin Funk Limit? Are there teams of people studying this in depth with long coats and slide rules and drip-feeds and enormous grants from fiendish pharmaceutical and Liberal-leaning foundations…or was I the first to ponder this?
Then of course this leads to just what the condition of the raisins are that are covered in yogurt, chocolate, and all else that is Raisin Based. What if they DID go funky at some point, and that was why they covered them in the first place?
My head began to reel, and I passed out a second time on the desk, awaking to find my belt off and shirt draped around the seat next to me, the smell of cheap cigar smoke lingering in the air.
I chose to ignore the entire scenario as if it were a non-drug or love-related crime, and finished my tasks…
But still, I wonder.
Do those little bastards go south and kick their little legs up while they climb towards that Moist Vine in the Sky…or are they Eternal, like Democrats & cigarette filters?
God, I’m thirsty.
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NewsShooter
Global Moderator
I'll check mine...
No longer shootin' the news ... just tellin' it like it is!
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Post by NewsShooter on Mar 6, 2008 9:52:46 GMT -5
You pose your question as eloquently as ever, which makes me wonder if you really want the answer or just wanted to pose the question as creative release.
If it's the former, yes ... raisins do go bad. Especially if you see a mold growing on them.
If it's the latter, then accept my apology for taking you too literally and offer my congratulations for a fine piece of prose.
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Post by Gary on Mar 6, 2008 10:06:00 GMT -5
Raisins are just humiliated grapes.
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Post by xterragirl on Mar 6, 2008 10:48:43 GMT -5
That's....just.....gross.  My stomach has still not recovered from seeing the little girl across the aisle from us at McAllister's last night barfing. The positive side is that I've gotten a good laugh this morning. |
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mouse
Full Member
Onigiri~onna~stick
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Post by mouse on Mar 6, 2008 11:32:38 GMT -5
blech.
You should see yogurt covered raisins go bad. It really is not pretty.
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Post by victoriasuzette on Mar 6, 2008 12:24:28 GMT -5
That was hysterical, Shot!  |
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Post by gridbug on Mar 6, 2008 12:28:36 GMT -5
That was hysterical, Shot! Only if they were NOT your raisins. |
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Post by victoriasuzette on Mar 6, 2008 12:30:13 GMT -5
That's why I can appreciate it even more ... I only eat non-'rotten' grapes!  |
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Post by LimitedRecourse on Mar 6, 2008 13:08:24 GMT -5
Raisin questions...or raisin' questions?
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Post by gridbug on Mar 6, 2008 13:53:18 GMT -5
No question... Shot! found himself some raisin hell.
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Jay
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Captain Cupcake
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Post by Jay on Mar 6, 2008 16:17:34 GMT -5
Raisins are good for you!  |
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Post by victoriasuzette on Mar 6, 2008 16:44:44 GMT -5
Like beans?
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Bloodhound
Senior Member
Sparky
I like football
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Post by Bloodhound on Mar 6, 2008 17:33:23 GMT -5
They can go bad. Real bad.  |
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Ringleman#5
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Post by Ringleman#5 on Mar 6, 2008 17:53:52 GMT -5
The proper way to make raisins go 'bad'.
4 lbs raisins
1 lb sugar
1 gallon water
1 crushed Campden tablet
1 tsp pectic enzyme
1 tsp yeast nutrient
1 pkt wine yeast
Put water on to boil. Meanwhile, chop the raisins or run them through a mincer. Put raisins, sugar and yeast nutrient into primary. When water boils, pour over raisins and stir until sugar dissolves. Cover with a sanitized cloth and set aside to cool. When at room temperature, add crushed Campden tablet and stir. Recover primary and set aside for 12 hours. Add pectic enzyme, stir, recover primary, and set aside another 12 hours. Add activated yeast. Stir daily for 7 days. Strain and press juice out of raisin pulp. Transfer liquid to secondary and fit airlock. Rack, top up and refit airlock every 30 days until wine clears and no new sediments form during a 30-day period. Stabilize, sweeten to taste, wait 10 days, and rack into bottles. Like most wines, it will improve with age.
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elf
Regular
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Post by elf on Mar 6, 2008 20:06:25 GMT -5
I have studied this at great length. Raisins can and will go bad if mixed with the wrong company. I would suggest keeping them away from High Temperature, Dust Bunnies, and the dog's mouth.
May the fallen ones rest in peace.
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Ringleman#5
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The first in his family born without a tail.
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Post by Ringleman#5 on Mar 6, 2008 20:11:28 GMT -5
Welcome elf.
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Babs
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Even cuter?
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Post by Babs on Mar 6, 2008 20:19:55 GMT -5
I have a box of raisins I've had for at least a year or two. They aren't bad, yet. Maybe a little naughty. How do you know when buttermilk goes bad?
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Post by victoriasuzette on Mar 6, 2008 21:19:03 GMT -5
How do you know when buttermilk goes bad? When it starts to taste good. |
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Babs
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Even cuter?
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Post by Babs on Mar 7, 2008 0:22:45 GMT -5
Several years ago, a pt. from Grundy County gave me basically the same receipe using a t shirt and storing the jug under the kitchen sink for the allowed amount of time. A clean shirt, he emphasized.
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Babs
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Diet Spryte
Even cuter?
Posts: 3,674
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Post by Babs on Mar 7, 2008 0:52:43 GMT -5
Are bad raisins Grapes of Wrath?
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Post by xterragirl on Mar 7, 2008 6:30:46 GMT -5
Now that was funny! |
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Post by emanon on Mar 7, 2008 7:30:47 GMT -5
Yes, it was........
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Felix
Global Moderator
Tepid One
Happy Morning
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Post by Felix on Mar 7, 2008 8:54:33 GMT -5
Heh, "Ode to a Funky Raisin." Only Shot! could make an epic out of that. Funny stuff.
Oh, yes, and Babs's "Grapes of Wrath;" she comes up with lots of funny stuff, much of which doesn't get posted.
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Jay
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Captain Cupcake
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Post by Jay on Mar 7, 2008 12:34:28 GMT -5
They're good for you heart. |
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Post by LimitedRecourse on Mar 7, 2008 13:35:17 GMT -5
Raisins are good for your tits.
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Laura Rice
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Post by Laura Rice on Mar 7, 2008 13:45:31 GMT -5
Raisins are good for your tits. WHAT??? I hate raisins... Now I have heard that birthday cake is really good for them! |
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Jay
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Captain Cupcake
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Post by Jay on Mar 7, 2008 13:52:20 GMT -5
Are bad raisins Grapes of Wrath? *grin* I liked that one too |
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Post by victoriasuzette on Mar 7, 2008 16:47:17 GMT -5
Raisins are good for your tits. I must have eaten a few, then, when I was younger! |
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Post by LimitedRecourse on Mar 7, 2008 17:19:27 GMT -5
I was alluding to the "beans" comment:
Bad raisins are good for your tits,
the more you eats, the more you ***ts,
the more you ***ts, the worse you feel,
so avoid bad raisins for any meal.
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Tookie
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Post by Tookie on Mar 8, 2008 12:00:28 GMT -5
Shot! Nice prose -- as usual. |
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